inspiration...
so I just finished watching the movie doubt (excellent film btw) and there's a scene in it that got me thinking along with other occurences tonight, but we'll get there in due time.
in the movie the priest, in one of his sermons describes the scene of a woman seeking confession about gossiping. the priest tells the woman she's forgiven but to go home, stand on her roof and cut a pillow open then return to him the following day. she does as she is instructed and returns to the priest the next day. "what happened when you cut the pillow," he asked. "the feathers flew everywhere," she responded. "go home and clean up all of the feathers," the priest instructed. "I cannot, it is impossible,' she petitioned. "that is gossip!" the priest returned.
this got me thinking, now gossip isn't my issue, but my issue has had a feather effect none the less. now I have been an asshole to the One and I am not happy with many of my actions while trying to deal with our break up. these actions however cut the pillow, and the feathers are the Ones friends whom she turned to when news of my craziness got back to her to express her hurt. I came to the realization today that until I convence her friends that im a good guy I am for ever the asshole who broke their friends heart. they have in turn bashed and beratted me in defense of their friends heart. I've even been given nicknames, the nicest of which and the only she will tell me about is "self-love."
now im left to try to clean up all of the feathers that I spread acting in immaturity, trying to deal with emotions I refused to acknowledge. now when I meet her friends its not just about making a good impression, its about making a good enough impression to erase all the badness they already feel toward me. not a daunting task but very tiring.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
...times a waistin...
so you guys, if anyone reads this...you know the song by e. badu that says "times a waistin, don't you take your time young man...." i love that joint. the way she contradicts herself is pure poetry. on one hand urging us to look to the future and on the other enjoy the right now of things too...i swear this song is like the sound track of my live, well my love life at least.
i have this little addiction to looking ahead in relationships. it's like a meet a sis i'm attracted to and in my head i'm planning the honey moon, and how many kids we'll have and what there names will be. i can't help it, well maybe i can, but future dreaming, as i call it is fun and exciting to me.
i was having an im convo with the One and i found myself in full future dreaming mode, mean i was in visioning what our possible kids could look like, if we get that far and trying to decide names, whether to hyphenate our last names and all that. i know so far over the line its ridiculous. i caught myself though, eventually, or maybe she said we should put the convo on hold, at any rate, we stopped talking about all that, but it got me thinking. even before i was in a relationship i would go through this in my head so have i always been one to look far ahead too fast? i mean right now me and the One aren't an item and too be honest i have enough shit to where if she decided to walk away, that the drama of it all wasn't worth it i couldn't blame her. if i was on the outside i might be cheering her to that point..."that mutha #@&%^ hurt you cause he's full of *&#% he needs to get his *&#% together, in either case @*#/ him, you know he was @*#/ing someone else when ya'll were on break or whatever ya'll called it, don't go back"
all that said she has decided, at least in theory to give it another shot once i got my things tidied up a bit more and some other things strait so yay for me...
all this said that same future dreaming also cause some issues in the relationship, i think we in some cases, looked ahead so hard that we missed the beauty that was our union right now, we were worrying so hard about what present to get our grandkids that the in the moment love waned and went into hibernation as the future plans we had but did not share the same view on took over our every thought.
so to one and all, future thinking is good, but don't get so caught up in what it will look like in the future that you under appreciate what you have in your hands right now. fa sho
i have this little addiction to looking ahead in relationships. it's like a meet a sis i'm attracted to and in my head i'm planning the honey moon, and how many kids we'll have and what there names will be. i can't help it, well maybe i can, but future dreaming, as i call it is fun and exciting to me.
i was having an im convo with the One and i found myself in full future dreaming mode, mean i was in visioning what our possible kids could look like, if we get that far and trying to decide names, whether to hyphenate our last names and all that. i know so far over the line its ridiculous. i caught myself though, eventually, or maybe she said we should put the convo on hold, at any rate, we stopped talking about all that, but it got me thinking. even before i was in a relationship i would go through this in my head so have i always been one to look far ahead too fast? i mean right now me and the One aren't an item and too be honest i have enough shit to where if she decided to walk away, that the drama of it all wasn't worth it i couldn't blame her. if i was on the outside i might be cheering her to that point..."that mutha #@&%^ hurt you cause he's full of *&#% he needs to get his *&#% together, in either case @*#/ him, you know he was @*#/ing someone else when ya'll were on break or whatever ya'll called it, don't go back"
all that said she has decided, at least in theory to give it another shot once i got my things tidied up a bit more and some other things strait so yay for me...
all this said that same future dreaming also cause some issues in the relationship, i think we in some cases, looked ahead so hard that we missed the beauty that was our union right now, we were worrying so hard about what present to get our grandkids that the in the moment love waned and went into hibernation as the future plans we had but did not share the same view on took over our every thought.
so to one and all, future thinking is good, but don't get so caught up in what it will look like in the future that you under appreciate what you have in your hands right now. fa sho
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
...let me put you on game
to begin i have none, i mean like no game at all, like a absence of game all together. i have no witty one liners to make women swoon, i don't iron my clothes or dress up for anyone at any time...other than my mom and church that is. all my "sexy looks" are corny abnd my jokes are too.
but doesn't everyone have game? isn't everyone who is with someone or almost with someone or alot of folks filled with little tricks to get the smile and get the boy or girl depending on your preference? isnt game a big part of finding love...i for one have never liked the word, like in order to get with someone i have to play them, thats bs. game denotes that someone is being played and in love playing is a sure fire way to get hurt.
however this will not be a heavy blog...
i have had my fair amount of suiters thus far in 25 years on this earth, so how do i accomplish it with no game??? that is a good question. well i think i'm fairly attractive, smart, and humorous...but is that enough? i think i just grow on folks sometimes, like i'm around women i'm attracted to long enough for them to return the notion....
hold on, i remember a line, haha this is halarious.
i used to ask women i wanted to take out when they were gonna take me out...they'd laugh and say that i'd be the one taking them out then we'd make the date. once on the date i'd be truthful and charming, saying the things i know to be true and the things i think she'd like to hear and poof i'm in a relationship.
there it is the root of all game, be the thing that the pie of your eye wants and they'll want you, right? genious really! wrong, cause we fall in love with the front, with the game and then when the real rises to the top like it must we're angry, we're frustrated, we're beyond contempt, cause the you i loved, the you i married, the you that you convenced me your were was only the you i wanted you to be and not you at all, but of course we were fronting too so who are we to judge?
all in all if you can, stop playing games and do whats right. i've gotten myself in mounds of trouble with this and i'm sure you have too, leave the game to kids and lets act like some adults and make mature decisions about who we're gonna be and who we're gonna be with.
but doesn't everyone have game? isn't everyone who is with someone or almost with someone or alot of folks filled with little tricks to get the smile and get the boy or girl depending on your preference? isnt game a big part of finding love...i for one have never liked the word, like in order to get with someone i have to play them, thats bs. game denotes that someone is being played and in love playing is a sure fire way to get hurt.
however this will not be a heavy blog...
i have had my fair amount of suiters thus far in 25 years on this earth, so how do i accomplish it with no game??? that is a good question. well i think i'm fairly attractive, smart, and humorous...but is that enough? i think i just grow on folks sometimes, like i'm around women i'm attracted to long enough for them to return the notion....
hold on, i remember a line, haha this is halarious.
i used to ask women i wanted to take out when they were gonna take me out...they'd laugh and say that i'd be the one taking them out then we'd make the date. once on the date i'd be truthful and charming, saying the things i know to be true and the things i think she'd like to hear and poof i'm in a relationship.
there it is the root of all game, be the thing that the pie of your eye wants and they'll want you, right? genious really! wrong, cause we fall in love with the front, with the game and then when the real rises to the top like it must we're angry, we're frustrated, we're beyond contempt, cause the you i loved, the you i married, the you that you convenced me your were was only the you i wanted you to be and not you at all, but of course we were fronting too so who are we to judge?
all in all if you can, stop playing games and do whats right. i've gotten myself in mounds of trouble with this and i'm sure you have too, leave the game to kids and lets act like some adults and make mature decisions about who we're gonna be and who we're gonna be with.
Friday, December 12, 2008
...now what's cooler than cool?
ice cold
when moments get heated bor heavy I've always had the uncany ability to stay cool and light...I think its a part of my gift, mu natural demeanor.it alows me to help folks through issues and emotions without getting to caught up in the energy of it. because of this I've always done well mediating for others.
for myself this can be a different story...I can read so far and so deep into issues that I end up a hot stinky pile of stress..I usually keep theses occurences to myself so I doubt that anyone else can vouche for or against this behavior. usually by the time I bring any of these thoughts to anyone else I've "worked them out" already...no help necessary...just though you'd like to know.
im trying desperately to change this cause when it all boils down help on the frony end would help a lot more...itd save me a lot of unnecesary stress and goof ups that result from my normal hit and miss approach I take with most of my issues.
all said, its cool to stay cool, but when you can't seek help on the front end, fa sho!!!
when moments get heated bor heavy I've always had the uncany ability to stay cool and light...I think its a part of my gift, mu natural demeanor.it alows me to help folks through issues and emotions without getting to caught up in the energy of it. because of this I've always done well mediating for others.
for myself this can be a different story...I can read so far and so deep into issues that I end up a hot stinky pile of stress..I usually keep theses occurences to myself so I doubt that anyone else can vouche for or against this behavior. usually by the time I bring any of these thoughts to anyone else I've "worked them out" already...no help necessary...just though you'd like to know.
im trying desperately to change this cause when it all boils down help on the frony end would help a lot more...itd save me a lot of unnecesary stress and goof ups that result from my normal hit and miss approach I take with most of my issues.
all said, its cool to stay cool, but when you can't seek help on the front end, fa sho!!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
and we talk...
so i just had like one of the greatest conversations ever. it sucks that i wasnt't writing this while i was talking cause i'm sure i'm gonna miss something, omit some cetral point, have you thinking wtf did i just read once you reach the bottom of the page. and i know i said i was done writing about relationships but i must go back, and yes jo i know i should probably maybe just leave a lot of this alone, but i can't.
today i got perspective. i called seeking ways to be more disciplined in not seeking intimacy from the one. and although she's doing others things for she right now and we're not talking because of it, i still had questions because we weren't supposed to be doing what we were doing when we were doing it so what would make this different other than what i to do or not. sorry for the tangent, but like i was saying i got that bit of wisdom and so much more. talking with a married couple i def respect with all my heart i got a glimpse at what it means to walk as a unit plus all they offered me on my current situation.
the brought this idea up that i had never thought of, see me and the one stopped walkig in a relationship a while back because of a good number of reasons. one of those being that we weren't seeing eye to eye on some issues that wouldn't be issues for years but that we both held dear. i think we've both matured and our stance have changed in some places which is why i DO VERY MUCH believe we can work beautifully together now. all that said what the sages offered was two pronged.
on one end there is the notion that in realtionships we give into what the person we want to be with want often just to remain with this person...i was clear about that, but in it all what i had missed is that when you're in love with someone but you see a thing differently and ten their view of it changes, its up to you and in your honor and love for that person and what they want to take extra steps to make sure this change is of their own doing and not in an attempt to appease you. at the end of the day that'll lead to your partner feeling boxed in for all they gave up to be with you...not a good look.
on the other end is this concept from the prophet that relationships and marriage in particular two should are supposed to be harmonious...not one. it's divine that we do our separate things, but must also be cear and sure to remain on one accord throughout it. so in this example if you gotta be over there to do you and me way over here to do me, that might be best and that could still work. if with what i'm doig over here and what you're doing over there share a common goal...
to the one: if journeying the world is your hearts desire that is what i want for you. i cold not live with myself with the thought that i had kept you from your lifes goal because of my selfish desire and insecurities.
when it bowls down we must all do us and let the rest fall where it should. i'm 25 years old but can't date without it leading to a serious relationship...wtf is wrong with me? nothing i just need more perspective...did you know that grad school can take like 5-8 years and that much of that work is best done single? the selfish question is where does that put us, and that needs to be answered when the time is right, the selfless press is this, Babe...this is something you want, so GET IT, no if ands or buts about it, if it takes 10 years its what you want and what i want for you.
where i'm working at is the fact tat i've gotta be at piece with whichever way it falls. we may not be together, we may be together, who really knows? i know right now that i want to be with her with al of my heart and soul. i am in love with her. that doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together now or should be in the future...it is simply my truth, and my wish. giving it over to god now i guess, make it do what it do!!
today i got perspective. i called seeking ways to be more disciplined in not seeking intimacy from the one. and although she's doing others things for she right now and we're not talking because of it, i still had questions because we weren't supposed to be doing what we were doing when we were doing it so what would make this different other than what i to do or not. sorry for the tangent, but like i was saying i got that bit of wisdom and so much more. talking with a married couple i def respect with all my heart i got a glimpse at what it means to walk as a unit plus all they offered me on my current situation.
the brought this idea up that i had never thought of, see me and the one stopped walkig in a relationship a while back because of a good number of reasons. one of those being that we weren't seeing eye to eye on some issues that wouldn't be issues for years but that we both held dear. i think we've both matured and our stance have changed in some places which is why i DO VERY MUCH believe we can work beautifully together now. all that said what the sages offered was two pronged.
on one end there is the notion that in realtionships we give into what the person we want to be with want often just to remain with this person...i was clear about that, but in it all what i had missed is that when you're in love with someone but you see a thing differently and ten their view of it changes, its up to you and in your honor and love for that person and what they want to take extra steps to make sure this change is of their own doing and not in an attempt to appease you. at the end of the day that'll lead to your partner feeling boxed in for all they gave up to be with you...not a good look.
on the other end is this concept from the prophet that relationships and marriage in particular two should are supposed to be harmonious...not one. it's divine that we do our separate things, but must also be cear and sure to remain on one accord throughout it. so in this example if you gotta be over there to do you and me way over here to do me, that might be best and that could still work. if with what i'm doig over here and what you're doing over there share a common goal...
to the one: if journeying the world is your hearts desire that is what i want for you. i cold not live with myself with the thought that i had kept you from your lifes goal because of my selfish desire and insecurities.
when it bowls down we must all do us and let the rest fall where it should. i'm 25 years old but can't date without it leading to a serious relationship...wtf is wrong with me? nothing i just need more perspective...did you know that grad school can take like 5-8 years and that much of that work is best done single? the selfish question is where does that put us, and that needs to be answered when the time is right, the selfless press is this, Babe...this is something you want, so GET IT, no if ands or buts about it, if it takes 10 years its what you want and what i want for you.
where i'm working at is the fact tat i've gotta be at piece with whichever way it falls. we may not be together, we may be together, who really knows? i know right now that i want to be with her with al of my heart and soul. i am in love with her. that doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together now or should be in the future...it is simply my truth, and my wish. giving it over to god now i guess, make it do what it do!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
shm shm shm
What the pluck is up???
So yeah, I'm deciding to do things differently. No more musing into constant hurt and blah that is my current love life and romantic situation. I'm not looking away from my ish, so fear not. But I'm trying to shift my focus to me and not the movement of others. And let me be clear my emotional state is steady and my heart is weighted by the totality of my life right now but all told I gotta focus on the rest, cause that's all i can handle.
and so... I'm gonna be as vulnerable and truthful with as many people as I can...yay...fun!!!
I've run from this before now. My self-esteem and self-worth have been way to fragile to risk disappointing someone who loved me already to tell them a truth that could change that view. But when it all comes down I have to follow the wisdom I pass to others on this subject. That if someone stops loving me after hearing the truth, then they never really loved me to begin with, or ther person they loved wasn't the real me, so unless I feel like fronting for the rest of my days that relationship was gonna end anyways, so que lastima, so long, best of lukc and life to you...
I go through fazes of wanting to be one of the cool kids. I see facebook album of old friends all together and smiling and hate that I'm not apart of that sometimes. When did we grow apart? Does it have to be so permenant? If it does then I have to be okay with it, if it doesn't then I have to be ok with doing the work to stay more connected to the lives of people i want in my life.
the Falcons lost...that blows
I know I'm weird and all but sometimes I surprise myself...like is it normal for a dude to sit around thinking of possible names for the kids he'll one day help create??
I'm tired now...
So yeah, I'm deciding to do things differently. No more musing into constant hurt and blah that is my current love life and romantic situation. I'm not looking away from my ish, so fear not. But I'm trying to shift my focus to me and not the movement of others. And let me be clear my emotional state is steady and my heart is weighted by the totality of my life right now but all told I gotta focus on the rest, cause that's all i can handle.
and so... I'm gonna be as vulnerable and truthful with as many people as I can...yay...fun!!!
I've run from this before now. My self-esteem and self-worth have been way to fragile to risk disappointing someone who loved me already to tell them a truth that could change that view. But when it all comes down I have to follow the wisdom I pass to others on this subject. That if someone stops loving me after hearing the truth, then they never really loved me to begin with, or ther person they loved wasn't the real me, so unless I feel like fronting for the rest of my days that relationship was gonna end anyways, so que lastima, so long, best of lukc and life to you...
I go through fazes of wanting to be one of the cool kids. I see facebook album of old friends all together and smiling and hate that I'm not apart of that sometimes. When did we grow apart? Does it have to be so permenant? If it does then I have to be okay with it, if it doesn't then I have to be ok with doing the work to stay more connected to the lives of people i want in my life.
the Falcons lost...that blows
I know I'm weird and all but sometimes I surprise myself...like is it normal for a dude to sit around thinking of possible names for the kids he'll one day help create??
I'm tired now...
Monday, December 1, 2008
for the lovers...
this is dedicated to you that love boldly
that in the face of adversity still choose to be with who has your heart
your story is one that the movies miss
and one that the unbelievers will never have
cause love is work and really few are ready to run the course
to fight their demons enough to just let it happen
most times our pasts keep us from really looking ahead
keep us from appreciating the one who has our heart
we look for whats wrong and second guess our intuition trying to find a way out
cause at the root we're afraid that this could be it
and why not?
we've been asking GOD for it all our lives
why not celebrate ourselves?
why not revel in the moment?
why not do whatever it takes to make it work?
cause giving up is easier than trying harder
for the most part our ego's keep us from loving how we should
the head over hills love that will last we don't like because
that mean someone has us, and to give that much of yourself
to a sitiuation you only half control is unnerving
i agree
but the beauty that can come out of it
the joy that loving freely and boldly brings
that can't be replaced
or found any where else
so the next time you get butterflies when she crosses the room
or
want to lean in for a kiss to go with the hugs he gives you that make your knees shake
go for it
take that chance
it could be just what you've been asking for
that in the face of adversity still choose to be with who has your heart
your story is one that the movies miss
and one that the unbelievers will never have
cause love is work and really few are ready to run the course
to fight their demons enough to just let it happen
most times our pasts keep us from really looking ahead
keep us from appreciating the one who has our heart
we look for whats wrong and second guess our intuition trying to find a way out
cause at the root we're afraid that this could be it
and why not?
we've been asking GOD for it all our lives
why not celebrate ourselves?
why not revel in the moment?
why not do whatever it takes to make it work?
cause giving up is easier than trying harder
for the most part our ego's keep us from loving how we should
the head over hills love that will last we don't like because
that mean someone has us, and to give that much of yourself
to a sitiuation you only half control is unnerving
i agree
but the beauty that can come out of it
the joy that loving freely and boldly brings
that can't be replaced
or found any where else
so the next time you get butterflies when she crosses the room
or
want to lean in for a kiss to go with the hugs he gives you that make your knees shake
go for it
take that chance
it could be just what you've been asking for
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
...that same ole song
so yeah i got dirt
i mean a load of mess that for a while it's seemed impossible to not add to.
see i never pictured myself much to be with, a 6-7 at best. with that misconception i tend to sneak myself into places where folks make me feel like more. folks do what they do and make me feel better about me. maybe i'm a nine, a catch you know? but by underselling myself, i couldnt beliveve i could get the girl till i had got the girl and by that time i'm neck deep into a relationship i didn't want to begin with. not that the sis is a bum or something the sis is bad, and believing that she wants me is a hard pill to swallow. but once i swallow it, it's too late, boom they're in love and i've been doing all i can to make sure that they like me for so long that i've convienced myself i was too, on the flip i see it's bs, but at the time no one couldve told me it wasnt a real true emotion. and why are this feelings for she and she false, cause at the end of the day i'm still in love with the one...yeah the one.
funny thing, i'm deciding to stop looking back, to handle what i can right here and step forward with honesty and clarity as my guide, but it's hard when you look around and lots of folks are still looking back, and i can't be mad cause i'm the reason they're looking back, ya know...that great big pile is following me around and because i shat where i eat my integrity is taking hits...we all do dirt, but i in my infinite stupidity did dirt in the circles i live the rest of my life in...note to all, if you're gonna do dirt, do it far from the rest of your life.
someone told me to write one of these when i'm having a good day... i'm having a good day, but for some rason this still seems sad. but you know what? i'm getting it right and together and cleaning up as much of my mess as i can...whether it follows me or not is up to those i've wronged. i'm unhitching the traylor and leaving it behind. i've said my sorries and now i've gotta walk different.
this love thing is hard work
one minute you're head over hills
the next running to those hills
seems the best route
see shes on my mind like all the time
a silent prison i choose to live in
since i made sure that now for us is
more of a dream than a reality
and since i love so hard
no part of me goes uneffected
i couldnt not show favor
if i tried with all my heart
cause all my heart belongs to you
i mean a load of mess that for a while it's seemed impossible to not add to.
see i never pictured myself much to be with, a 6-7 at best. with that misconception i tend to sneak myself into places where folks make me feel like more. folks do what they do and make me feel better about me. maybe i'm a nine, a catch you know? but by underselling myself, i couldnt beliveve i could get the girl till i had got the girl and by that time i'm neck deep into a relationship i didn't want to begin with. not that the sis is a bum or something the sis is bad, and believing that she wants me is a hard pill to swallow. but once i swallow it, it's too late, boom they're in love and i've been doing all i can to make sure that they like me for so long that i've convienced myself i was too, on the flip i see it's bs, but at the time no one couldve told me it wasnt a real true emotion. and why are this feelings for she and she false, cause at the end of the day i'm still in love with the one...yeah the one.
funny thing, i'm deciding to stop looking back, to handle what i can right here and step forward with honesty and clarity as my guide, but it's hard when you look around and lots of folks are still looking back, and i can't be mad cause i'm the reason they're looking back, ya know...that great big pile is following me around and because i shat where i eat my integrity is taking hits...we all do dirt, but i in my infinite stupidity did dirt in the circles i live the rest of my life in...note to all, if you're gonna do dirt, do it far from the rest of your life.
someone told me to write one of these when i'm having a good day... i'm having a good day, but for some rason this still seems sad. but you know what? i'm getting it right and together and cleaning up as much of my mess as i can...whether it follows me or not is up to those i've wronged. i'm unhitching the traylor and leaving it behind. i've said my sorries and now i've gotta walk different.
this love thing is hard work
one minute you're head over hills
the next running to those hills
seems the best route
see shes on my mind like all the time
a silent prison i choose to live in
since i made sure that now for us is
more of a dream than a reality
and since i love so hard
no part of me goes uneffected
i couldnt not show favor
if i tried with all my heart
cause all my heart belongs to you
Monday, November 24, 2008
Must love mondays
they're new beginings and all that right. well i'm looking forward to rest the weekend as we half celebrate turkey day. i just like the holiday because i get to see my family and eat good. and here's where my questions start.
what do i do about the One through here
ok, here are somethings you may not know
1. the one and are are doing GREAT lately, talking and hanging and stuff
2. outside of all the other the one is like one of my best friends
3. the one isn't from here and i dont think sh'es going home
so...do i invite her to alabama to for this years thanksgiving dinner?
i don't want her stuck at home alone and like i said we're good friends, but there's the element of the relationship that can't be right now, ad that to the fact that my folks know that we were dating so are they gonna "assume" that this means we're back together? how do i introduce her to my family?
...this is my friend (leaves space for them to fill in the blank)
...this is like my sister (makes it ultra weird for if and when we do get together)
also no one in my family is a vegetarian so if she comes there may be nothing for her to eat...am i just making excuses? someone help me please!!
what do i do about the One through here
ok, here are somethings you may not know
1. the one and are are doing GREAT lately, talking and hanging and stuff
2. outside of all the other the one is like one of my best friends
3. the one isn't from here and i dont think sh'es going home
so...do i invite her to alabama to for this years thanksgiving dinner?
i don't want her stuck at home alone and like i said we're good friends, but there's the element of the relationship that can't be right now, ad that to the fact that my folks know that we were dating so are they gonna "assume" that this means we're back together? how do i introduce her to my family?
...this is my friend (leaves space for them to fill in the blank)
...this is like my sister (makes it ultra weird for if and when we do get together)
also no one in my family is a vegetarian so if she comes there may be nothing for her to eat...am i just making excuses? someone help me please!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'm the bomb like tic tic..
okie dokie, if you've ever read my blog on my facebook page then you'll understand this tic thing. if not basically i get here when i'm full and need to unload, it doesn't usually all make sense and can be a bit spastic, so please forgive the tagents...
i went to the bathroom knowing i had much to write
knowing i wouldn't want to break until it all had hit the page so i took a piss
and returned to the question...
the one (yeah i know):..is it making you uncomfortable
ls: that's one word for it...lol
the one: lol what word would u describe?
ls: blah...but that won't make since to you just yet
the one: ok
so blah, that state i exist in between epiphanies, that uncomfortable but necessary space that that feels the viod between joy and pain. it really is undescribable. it's like i'm numb but anxious.
my cousin tia passed on last tuesday, her funeral was on this tuesday, im sensitive to spirit so we've been talking, at the funeral i could hear here sing and that numbness went away, i cried tears for her and much more.
soon there after my shit met me and the blah returned, tried to stamp it out with hennesy, it failed. and so i floated, got my things together, got home, took a breath and began to write, and the blah went away.
it's back!!!
i got a new phone in Dayton and needed past numbers...
#1 doesn't feel comfortable giving me her's cause of her relationship status
...i'm not trying to holler at you, not even trying to talk to you, i said i'd try to be your friend, i guess you've given up on that, que lastima...
so i wrote this poem for the one about how i still move in reaction to her
i never gave it to her
she'll read this and know i'm talking about her
she might choose not to believe it
who can blame her
clarity is nice to have but it doesnt always taste like
honey
or mac and cheese
you know mac and cheese
i used to watch my mom create it from scratch
she'd cut me some of the cheese to eat while it simmered
i loved that
know i make mac and cheese
from scratch
just like mom
except
it doesn't taste as good
and i don't give myself a piece of cheese to eat while it simmers
the thought of someone touching she like i touched her shakes me
even though i've touched others
it's different some how, i know it's all in my head though, so i decline
did i mention that before we began i told that one that we'd have to be the realtionship cause i wouldnt want to jepordize our current relationship for anything but a wife...or something like that
who can remember the exact words they say to someone anways.
i'm still full...bare with me
my friend gave me the link to sasha fierce...i think it's corny
i have a sidekick now
traded in my blackberry
and got another blackberry
hated it and took it back for a sidekick
i like it
she used to have a sidekick
i used to say my blackberry was way better
i wanted an iphone
now i have a sidekick
and she has a sidekick and an iphone
ain't life grand
a room filled with smiles
that aint personal
means less than
one indifferent face
at least you're sure they care
if i said i've cared for everyone for
where i was
would that make my faults somehow ok?
i will not spell check and i don't think i'm done, but i think i'm off topic. if you've read this far you deserve a smile, so here you go :-D
i went to the bathroom knowing i had much to write
knowing i wouldn't want to break until it all had hit the page so i took a piss
and returned to the question...
the one (yeah i know):..is it making you uncomfortable
ls: that's one word for it...lol
the one: lol what word would u describe?
ls: blah...but that won't make since to you just yet
the one: ok
so blah, that state i exist in between epiphanies, that uncomfortable but necessary space that that feels the viod between joy and pain. it really is undescribable. it's like i'm numb but anxious.
my cousin tia passed on last tuesday, her funeral was on this tuesday, im sensitive to spirit so we've been talking, at the funeral i could hear here sing and that numbness went away, i cried tears for her and much more.
soon there after my shit met me and the blah returned, tried to stamp it out with hennesy, it failed. and so i floated, got my things together, got home, took a breath and began to write, and the blah went away.
it's back!!!
i got a new phone in Dayton and needed past numbers...
#1 doesn't feel comfortable giving me her's cause of her relationship status
...i'm not trying to holler at you, not even trying to talk to you, i said i'd try to be your friend, i guess you've given up on that, que lastima...
so i wrote this poem for the one about how i still move in reaction to her
i never gave it to her
she'll read this and know i'm talking about her
she might choose not to believe it
who can blame her
clarity is nice to have but it doesnt always taste like
honey
or mac and cheese
you know mac and cheese
i used to watch my mom create it from scratch
she'd cut me some of the cheese to eat while it simmered
i loved that
know i make mac and cheese
from scratch
just like mom
except
it doesn't taste as good
and i don't give myself a piece of cheese to eat while it simmers
the thought of someone touching she like i touched her shakes me
even though i've touched others
it's different some how, i know it's all in my head though, so i decline
did i mention that before we began i told that one that we'd have to be the realtionship cause i wouldnt want to jepordize our current relationship for anything but a wife...or something like that
who can remember the exact words they say to someone anways.
i'm still full...bare with me
my friend gave me the link to sasha fierce...i think it's corny
i have a sidekick now
traded in my blackberry
and got another blackberry
hated it and took it back for a sidekick
i like it
she used to have a sidekick
i used to say my blackberry was way better
i wanted an iphone
now i have a sidekick
and she has a sidekick and an iphone
ain't life grand
a room filled with smiles
that aint personal
means less than
one indifferent face
at least you're sure they care
if i said i've cared for everyone for
where i was
would that make my faults somehow ok?
i will not spell check and i don't think i'm done, but i think i'm off topic. if you've read this far you deserve a smile, so here you go :-D
ehsaywhuman???
life is easy?
it is simply a series of serious choices as a modern poet so eliquently put it.
but making choices is the hard part, or atleast we make it dificult enough.
i get stuck like between a rock and a soft place, let's call it comfort
in comfort i do what i want when i want but dont grow a lick, and with the rock
there is grind but no release, not time to step back and take a breath.
so you decided to write in all lowercase too huh? on some reading my mind shit huh?
you know we used to do that, she and i damn near best friends. roommate, i remember when she couldnt stand my guts, and now...where the heck are we. i think i'm fighting for both the so on point friendship and the omg love of my life. where is there a seperation, is there one, is that a bad thing that i can't draw the line.
i have a lot of life left living and i have a lot of things that must be done. with it all i gotta hold on too my plan of growing up and having kids and a house and all that, but there's no need to rush...right?
okay then there's her and her and her, but i'm okay with not acting on every attraction i have, that would be opening up ten piles of shit i'm sure and like i'm saying...or maybe i havent said, but i'm not suppossed to be involved with anyone right now anyways, add to that that i'm pretty sure of who i'll want to be with when it all comes down and i can let a lot of this ish go, right?
you, our profile pics are even similar, my rose is just a little icey...fitting i guess
astapasta
it is simply a series of serious choices as a modern poet so eliquently put it.
but making choices is the hard part, or atleast we make it dificult enough.
i get stuck like between a rock and a soft place, let's call it comfort
in comfort i do what i want when i want but dont grow a lick, and with the rock
there is grind but no release, not time to step back and take a breath.
so you decided to write in all lowercase too huh? on some reading my mind shit huh?
you know we used to do that, she and i damn near best friends. roommate, i remember when she couldnt stand my guts, and now...where the heck are we. i think i'm fighting for both the so on point friendship and the omg love of my life. where is there a seperation, is there one, is that a bad thing that i can't draw the line.
i have a lot of life left living and i have a lot of things that must be done. with it all i gotta hold on too my plan of growing up and having kids and a house and all that, but there's no need to rush...right?
okay then there's her and her and her, but i'm okay with not acting on every attraction i have, that would be opening up ten piles of shit i'm sure and like i'm saying...or maybe i havent said, but i'm not suppossed to be involved with anyone right now anyways, add to that that i'm pretty sure of who i'll want to be with when it all comes down and i can let a lot of this ish go, right?
you, our profile pics are even similar, my rose is just a little icey...fitting i guess
astapasta
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A great big Pile-o-shit
Okay, I know what you're thinking, whats with the colors and pin name. well here it is. i've got a great big pile of shit where my romantic relationships should be. but clearly i've screwed up a lot of that.
so from the top you say, here it is.
i love this sister, i mean like i'm in love with her. i have been for a couple years now, but for the last say year or so i've been saying quite the opposite. cause after halfway dating then not dating for a while and then walking hard in a relationship we came to a breaking point and I decided to break. my ego bruised a ran like a dog with his tail between his legs after a hard defeat.
so from there to here i've piled up a whole lot of broken relationships and broken promises. and now that i realize that i still love she i gotta clean up this shit so that any hope of we can have a chance of blossoming.
so first there was #1. trying to maintain everyones secrecy. but um #1 was like cool, she was and still is cool as shit. as i do in these type deals we got close quick, too close too quick. and i lost in emotions i refused to admitt made plans for a future we that anyone could see would never happen. i mean at the core, really, it came like 7 weeks after a...let's say to year stint with the one so to convience my self that #1 was anything more than a rebound is a place were i'm still lying to myself. i mean rebound sounds so hurtful...but i guess it is. all in all like i was saying we got serious and with that had to take a break cause we were moving mad fast in that that break i got wind of some of those emotions i had bottled up for the one, and with them emotions for #1 faded into the back, leaving nothing but a steaming pile of poo where a broken heart still lies.
ok so before i got to cleaning any of that up or opening that bottle all the way came my first attempt a wilding out like all young mean are supposed to do, right? right? anyways nothing really came of that #2 was cool, but not here so the sex was just sex, nothing more, nothing less, so no real poo there past me being irresponsible...BAD Love Stuck!!!
from there we get to #3 and try nomero dos at wilding out, this time with someone who's here who i dug and all. little oral was all that amounted to, then my relationship swagger made her head for the hills. we chat every now and again, but all in all thats it. once again no shit left behind but irresponsible step #2 fa sho.
which brings us to #4...damn its already 6, i'll have to get back to this tomorrow...brb, well not really, but kind of...it'll all be one post so you'll never know...except for the fact that I just told ya...
Okay so #4 well this one came out of the blue, I mean I had met she's aquaintance a while back but judged she too hot and me a 6 at best I let thoughts of more exit stage left. Till she entered stage right and surprising to me was digging me. Now keep in mind through here I got a dog to try to fix my lonliness, sorry about the abeni, and subsequently gave her away to someone better equiped to handle the resposibility. A week later 4 come back around and I am smitten. Still judging my self not worthy I flirt with no eye of it working and to my surprise it does and she's digging me too. As things go we move to fast and I find myself somewhere im saying im not ready to be and begin my dance of bagging out of ambiguous places leaving pounds of poo in my wake. See although it was only a month at most #4 had begun to reconstruct her future on the premise of their being a we...saddly there will be now we and apparently in my expersion of this I broke her heart.
So now out of all that enough to see straight I open that jar of unsaid, unrealized emotions and what do I see but that im still in love with the one and for large part these other forrays into the hearts of 1 2 3 and 4 were all just in reaction to that. Funny how the heart and mind work against each other sometime, right?
At any rate im left with a pile of shit and now im passing shovels out to my friends so that I can tidy up and fix some things before the next which im hoping is that same she that began this emotional roller coaster...one can dream can't he?
At any rate time to bounce, till next time...much peace, much joy, much love
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