hey folks, happy new years. don't know what you did with urs, hopefully it was safe and fun and filled with nothing you'll regret for the forseeable future. my new years was cool, did church, then a party, then an after party where I fell asleep on the couch watching the Mack at like 5 am...
so what's nervous? well simply im finding myself freaking out a bit. you see none of my new years plans included and appearance by the One, in actuallity its been a minute since we spoke. no bad blood or nothing, at least on my end I can claim that for sure, we just haven't communicated...but that's not why im nervous.
im nervous because for the last few days I've been in my head about what the One and I are suppossed to look like right now. add to that that I still have questions on how a person can be completly healed from a hurt that presisted over an entire summer in a few conversations. she says she's past it, but im still not sure how that can be when we're only a short while removed from my insane moments. it kind of feels like when I convinced myself I was over us in a fraction of the time we had been building for the future in my head. it sounds great for getting what you think you want right now, but is it real?
now, let me be clear that I am still very much in love with the One and am all but 100% sure she's the person im going to marry, id be overjoyed with living the rest of my life with she, no questions asked. but as for right now, while id love for her truth about being over her hurt to be 100%, im not sure how it can be.
she'll read this and we'll have a great clarity convo for sure, ill prolly call her after I get another nap in as im working on 3 and a half good hours of sleep at the most right now...
the other side of my nervousness is these questions that sprang up for me here of late. should we be together now? am I ready to settle down? am I validating all of my emotions in a way where I really deal with them?
for the first question I did something the One has been pressing me to do for a while, I hollered at the creator about it. then my ori directed me to cast obi with Oshun to get an answer. after asking serveral question about the future of we and getting favorable answers, I asked strait up "should she and I be in a relationship and together right now?"...OKANRAN, folks that's a no...crushed? no not really, kind of saw it coming, it def goes with my answer to the next question...im not ready to settle down just yet, there's NO ONE else I want to date or anything to that end at all, but I want to live the single life for a little while longer.
as for the last question, im doing well with my emotions right now, even writing this blog is helping. I must warn that this is a working truth and is subject to change at any moment, but as I am currently freaking out this truth, however shaky helps to calm my nerves a bit.
now, we try to sleep, im pretty sure its a no go, but it never hurts to try.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
...a whole heap of feathers...
inspiration...
so I just finished watching the movie doubt (excellent film btw) and there's a scene in it that got me thinking along with other occurences tonight, but we'll get there in due time.
in the movie the priest, in one of his sermons describes the scene of a woman seeking confession about gossiping. the priest tells the woman she's forgiven but to go home, stand on her roof and cut a pillow open then return to him the following day. she does as she is instructed and returns to the priest the next day. "what happened when you cut the pillow," he asked. "the feathers flew everywhere," she responded. "go home and clean up all of the feathers," the priest instructed. "I cannot, it is impossible,' she petitioned. "that is gossip!" the priest returned.
this got me thinking, now gossip isn't my issue, but my issue has had a feather effect none the less. now I have been an asshole to the One and I am not happy with many of my actions while trying to deal with our break up. these actions however cut the pillow, and the feathers are the Ones friends whom she turned to when news of my craziness got back to her to express her hurt. I came to the realization today that until I convence her friends that im a good guy I am for ever the asshole who broke their friends heart. they have in turn bashed and beratted me in defense of their friends heart. I've even been given nicknames, the nicest of which and the only she will tell me about is "self-love."
now im left to try to clean up all of the feathers that I spread acting in immaturity, trying to deal with emotions I refused to acknowledge. now when I meet her friends its not just about making a good impression, its about making a good enough impression to erase all the badness they already feel toward me. not a daunting task but very tiring.
so I just finished watching the movie doubt (excellent film btw) and there's a scene in it that got me thinking along with other occurences tonight, but we'll get there in due time.
in the movie the priest, in one of his sermons describes the scene of a woman seeking confession about gossiping. the priest tells the woman she's forgiven but to go home, stand on her roof and cut a pillow open then return to him the following day. she does as she is instructed and returns to the priest the next day. "what happened when you cut the pillow," he asked. "the feathers flew everywhere," she responded. "go home and clean up all of the feathers," the priest instructed. "I cannot, it is impossible,' she petitioned. "that is gossip!" the priest returned.
this got me thinking, now gossip isn't my issue, but my issue has had a feather effect none the less. now I have been an asshole to the One and I am not happy with many of my actions while trying to deal with our break up. these actions however cut the pillow, and the feathers are the Ones friends whom she turned to when news of my craziness got back to her to express her hurt. I came to the realization today that until I convence her friends that im a good guy I am for ever the asshole who broke their friends heart. they have in turn bashed and beratted me in defense of their friends heart. I've even been given nicknames, the nicest of which and the only she will tell me about is "self-love."
now im left to try to clean up all of the feathers that I spread acting in immaturity, trying to deal with emotions I refused to acknowledge. now when I meet her friends its not just about making a good impression, its about making a good enough impression to erase all the badness they already feel toward me. not a daunting task but very tiring.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
...times a waistin...
so you guys, if anyone reads this...you know the song by e. badu that says "times a waistin, don't you take your time young man...." i love that joint. the way she contradicts herself is pure poetry. on one hand urging us to look to the future and on the other enjoy the right now of things too...i swear this song is like the sound track of my live, well my love life at least.
i have this little addiction to looking ahead in relationships. it's like a meet a sis i'm attracted to and in my head i'm planning the honey moon, and how many kids we'll have and what there names will be. i can't help it, well maybe i can, but future dreaming, as i call it is fun and exciting to me.
i was having an im convo with the One and i found myself in full future dreaming mode, mean i was in visioning what our possible kids could look like, if we get that far and trying to decide names, whether to hyphenate our last names and all that. i know so far over the line its ridiculous. i caught myself though, eventually, or maybe she said we should put the convo on hold, at any rate, we stopped talking about all that, but it got me thinking. even before i was in a relationship i would go through this in my head so have i always been one to look far ahead too fast? i mean right now me and the One aren't an item and too be honest i have enough shit to where if she decided to walk away, that the drama of it all wasn't worth it i couldn't blame her. if i was on the outside i might be cheering her to that point..."that mutha #@&%^ hurt you cause he's full of *&#% he needs to get his *&#% together, in either case @*#/ him, you know he was @*#/ing someone else when ya'll were on break or whatever ya'll called it, don't go back"
all that said she has decided, at least in theory to give it another shot once i got my things tidied up a bit more and some other things strait so yay for me...
all this said that same future dreaming also cause some issues in the relationship, i think we in some cases, looked ahead so hard that we missed the beauty that was our union right now, we were worrying so hard about what present to get our grandkids that the in the moment love waned and went into hibernation as the future plans we had but did not share the same view on took over our every thought.
so to one and all, future thinking is good, but don't get so caught up in what it will look like in the future that you under appreciate what you have in your hands right now. fa sho
i have this little addiction to looking ahead in relationships. it's like a meet a sis i'm attracted to and in my head i'm planning the honey moon, and how many kids we'll have and what there names will be. i can't help it, well maybe i can, but future dreaming, as i call it is fun and exciting to me.
i was having an im convo with the One and i found myself in full future dreaming mode, mean i was in visioning what our possible kids could look like, if we get that far and trying to decide names, whether to hyphenate our last names and all that. i know so far over the line its ridiculous. i caught myself though, eventually, or maybe she said we should put the convo on hold, at any rate, we stopped talking about all that, but it got me thinking. even before i was in a relationship i would go through this in my head so have i always been one to look far ahead too fast? i mean right now me and the One aren't an item and too be honest i have enough shit to where if she decided to walk away, that the drama of it all wasn't worth it i couldn't blame her. if i was on the outside i might be cheering her to that point..."that mutha #@&%^ hurt you cause he's full of *&#% he needs to get his *&#% together, in either case @*#/ him, you know he was @*#/ing someone else when ya'll were on break or whatever ya'll called it, don't go back"
all that said she has decided, at least in theory to give it another shot once i got my things tidied up a bit more and some other things strait so yay for me...
all this said that same future dreaming also cause some issues in the relationship, i think we in some cases, looked ahead so hard that we missed the beauty that was our union right now, we were worrying so hard about what present to get our grandkids that the in the moment love waned and went into hibernation as the future plans we had but did not share the same view on took over our every thought.
so to one and all, future thinking is good, but don't get so caught up in what it will look like in the future that you under appreciate what you have in your hands right now. fa sho
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
...let me put you on game
to begin i have none, i mean like no game at all, like a absence of game all together. i have no witty one liners to make women swoon, i don't iron my clothes or dress up for anyone at any time...other than my mom and church that is. all my "sexy looks" are corny abnd my jokes are too.
but doesn't everyone have game? isn't everyone who is with someone or almost with someone or alot of folks filled with little tricks to get the smile and get the boy or girl depending on your preference? isnt game a big part of finding love...i for one have never liked the word, like in order to get with someone i have to play them, thats bs. game denotes that someone is being played and in love playing is a sure fire way to get hurt.
however this will not be a heavy blog...
i have had my fair amount of suiters thus far in 25 years on this earth, so how do i accomplish it with no game??? that is a good question. well i think i'm fairly attractive, smart, and humorous...but is that enough? i think i just grow on folks sometimes, like i'm around women i'm attracted to long enough for them to return the notion....
hold on, i remember a line, haha this is halarious.
i used to ask women i wanted to take out when they were gonna take me out...they'd laugh and say that i'd be the one taking them out then we'd make the date. once on the date i'd be truthful and charming, saying the things i know to be true and the things i think she'd like to hear and poof i'm in a relationship.
there it is the root of all game, be the thing that the pie of your eye wants and they'll want you, right? genious really! wrong, cause we fall in love with the front, with the game and then when the real rises to the top like it must we're angry, we're frustrated, we're beyond contempt, cause the you i loved, the you i married, the you that you convenced me your were was only the you i wanted you to be and not you at all, but of course we were fronting too so who are we to judge?
all in all if you can, stop playing games and do whats right. i've gotten myself in mounds of trouble with this and i'm sure you have too, leave the game to kids and lets act like some adults and make mature decisions about who we're gonna be and who we're gonna be with.
but doesn't everyone have game? isn't everyone who is with someone or almost with someone or alot of folks filled with little tricks to get the smile and get the boy or girl depending on your preference? isnt game a big part of finding love...i for one have never liked the word, like in order to get with someone i have to play them, thats bs. game denotes that someone is being played and in love playing is a sure fire way to get hurt.
however this will not be a heavy blog...
i have had my fair amount of suiters thus far in 25 years on this earth, so how do i accomplish it with no game??? that is a good question. well i think i'm fairly attractive, smart, and humorous...but is that enough? i think i just grow on folks sometimes, like i'm around women i'm attracted to long enough for them to return the notion....
hold on, i remember a line, haha this is halarious.
i used to ask women i wanted to take out when they were gonna take me out...they'd laugh and say that i'd be the one taking them out then we'd make the date. once on the date i'd be truthful and charming, saying the things i know to be true and the things i think she'd like to hear and poof i'm in a relationship.
there it is the root of all game, be the thing that the pie of your eye wants and they'll want you, right? genious really! wrong, cause we fall in love with the front, with the game and then when the real rises to the top like it must we're angry, we're frustrated, we're beyond contempt, cause the you i loved, the you i married, the you that you convenced me your were was only the you i wanted you to be and not you at all, but of course we were fronting too so who are we to judge?
all in all if you can, stop playing games and do whats right. i've gotten myself in mounds of trouble with this and i'm sure you have too, leave the game to kids and lets act like some adults and make mature decisions about who we're gonna be and who we're gonna be with.
Friday, December 12, 2008
...now what's cooler than cool?
ice cold
when moments get heated bor heavy I've always had the uncany ability to stay cool and light...I think its a part of my gift, mu natural demeanor.it alows me to help folks through issues and emotions without getting to caught up in the energy of it. because of this I've always done well mediating for others.
for myself this can be a different story...I can read so far and so deep into issues that I end up a hot stinky pile of stress..I usually keep theses occurences to myself so I doubt that anyone else can vouche for or against this behavior. usually by the time I bring any of these thoughts to anyone else I've "worked them out" already...no help necessary...just though you'd like to know.
im trying desperately to change this cause when it all boils down help on the frony end would help a lot more...itd save me a lot of unnecesary stress and goof ups that result from my normal hit and miss approach I take with most of my issues.
all said, its cool to stay cool, but when you can't seek help on the front end, fa sho!!!
when moments get heated bor heavy I've always had the uncany ability to stay cool and light...I think its a part of my gift, mu natural demeanor.it alows me to help folks through issues and emotions without getting to caught up in the energy of it. because of this I've always done well mediating for others.
for myself this can be a different story...I can read so far and so deep into issues that I end up a hot stinky pile of stress..I usually keep theses occurences to myself so I doubt that anyone else can vouche for or against this behavior. usually by the time I bring any of these thoughts to anyone else I've "worked them out" already...no help necessary...just though you'd like to know.
im trying desperately to change this cause when it all boils down help on the frony end would help a lot more...itd save me a lot of unnecesary stress and goof ups that result from my normal hit and miss approach I take with most of my issues.
all said, its cool to stay cool, but when you can't seek help on the front end, fa sho!!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
and we talk...
so i just had like one of the greatest conversations ever. it sucks that i wasnt't writing this while i was talking cause i'm sure i'm gonna miss something, omit some cetral point, have you thinking wtf did i just read once you reach the bottom of the page. and i know i said i was done writing about relationships but i must go back, and yes jo i know i should probably maybe just leave a lot of this alone, but i can't.
today i got perspective. i called seeking ways to be more disciplined in not seeking intimacy from the one. and although she's doing others things for she right now and we're not talking because of it, i still had questions because we weren't supposed to be doing what we were doing when we were doing it so what would make this different other than what i to do or not. sorry for the tangent, but like i was saying i got that bit of wisdom and so much more. talking with a married couple i def respect with all my heart i got a glimpse at what it means to walk as a unit plus all they offered me on my current situation.
the brought this idea up that i had never thought of, see me and the one stopped walkig in a relationship a while back because of a good number of reasons. one of those being that we weren't seeing eye to eye on some issues that wouldn't be issues for years but that we both held dear. i think we've both matured and our stance have changed in some places which is why i DO VERY MUCH believe we can work beautifully together now. all that said what the sages offered was two pronged.
on one end there is the notion that in realtionships we give into what the person we want to be with want often just to remain with this person...i was clear about that, but in it all what i had missed is that when you're in love with someone but you see a thing differently and ten their view of it changes, its up to you and in your honor and love for that person and what they want to take extra steps to make sure this change is of their own doing and not in an attempt to appease you. at the end of the day that'll lead to your partner feeling boxed in for all they gave up to be with you...not a good look.
on the other end is this concept from the prophet that relationships and marriage in particular two should are supposed to be harmonious...not one. it's divine that we do our separate things, but must also be cear and sure to remain on one accord throughout it. so in this example if you gotta be over there to do you and me way over here to do me, that might be best and that could still work. if with what i'm doig over here and what you're doing over there share a common goal...
to the one: if journeying the world is your hearts desire that is what i want for you. i cold not live with myself with the thought that i had kept you from your lifes goal because of my selfish desire and insecurities.
when it bowls down we must all do us and let the rest fall where it should. i'm 25 years old but can't date without it leading to a serious relationship...wtf is wrong with me? nothing i just need more perspective...did you know that grad school can take like 5-8 years and that much of that work is best done single? the selfish question is where does that put us, and that needs to be answered when the time is right, the selfless press is this, Babe...this is something you want, so GET IT, no if ands or buts about it, if it takes 10 years its what you want and what i want for you.
where i'm working at is the fact tat i've gotta be at piece with whichever way it falls. we may not be together, we may be together, who really knows? i know right now that i want to be with her with al of my heart and soul. i am in love with her. that doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together now or should be in the future...it is simply my truth, and my wish. giving it over to god now i guess, make it do what it do!!
today i got perspective. i called seeking ways to be more disciplined in not seeking intimacy from the one. and although she's doing others things for she right now and we're not talking because of it, i still had questions because we weren't supposed to be doing what we were doing when we were doing it so what would make this different other than what i to do or not. sorry for the tangent, but like i was saying i got that bit of wisdom and so much more. talking with a married couple i def respect with all my heart i got a glimpse at what it means to walk as a unit plus all they offered me on my current situation.
the brought this idea up that i had never thought of, see me and the one stopped walkig in a relationship a while back because of a good number of reasons. one of those being that we weren't seeing eye to eye on some issues that wouldn't be issues for years but that we both held dear. i think we've both matured and our stance have changed in some places which is why i DO VERY MUCH believe we can work beautifully together now. all that said what the sages offered was two pronged.
on one end there is the notion that in realtionships we give into what the person we want to be with want often just to remain with this person...i was clear about that, but in it all what i had missed is that when you're in love with someone but you see a thing differently and ten their view of it changes, its up to you and in your honor and love for that person and what they want to take extra steps to make sure this change is of their own doing and not in an attempt to appease you. at the end of the day that'll lead to your partner feeling boxed in for all they gave up to be with you...not a good look.
on the other end is this concept from the prophet that relationships and marriage in particular two should are supposed to be harmonious...not one. it's divine that we do our separate things, but must also be cear and sure to remain on one accord throughout it. so in this example if you gotta be over there to do you and me way over here to do me, that might be best and that could still work. if with what i'm doig over here and what you're doing over there share a common goal...
to the one: if journeying the world is your hearts desire that is what i want for you. i cold not live with myself with the thought that i had kept you from your lifes goal because of my selfish desire and insecurities.
when it bowls down we must all do us and let the rest fall where it should. i'm 25 years old but can't date without it leading to a serious relationship...wtf is wrong with me? nothing i just need more perspective...did you know that grad school can take like 5-8 years and that much of that work is best done single? the selfish question is where does that put us, and that needs to be answered when the time is right, the selfless press is this, Babe...this is something you want, so GET IT, no if ands or buts about it, if it takes 10 years its what you want and what i want for you.
where i'm working at is the fact tat i've gotta be at piece with whichever way it falls. we may not be together, we may be together, who really knows? i know right now that i want to be with her with al of my heart and soul. i am in love with her. that doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together now or should be in the future...it is simply my truth, and my wish. giving it over to god now i guess, make it do what it do!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
shm shm shm
What the pluck is up???
So yeah, I'm deciding to do things differently. No more musing into constant hurt and blah that is my current love life and romantic situation. I'm not looking away from my ish, so fear not. But I'm trying to shift my focus to me and not the movement of others. And let me be clear my emotional state is steady and my heart is weighted by the totality of my life right now but all told I gotta focus on the rest, cause that's all i can handle.
and so... I'm gonna be as vulnerable and truthful with as many people as I can...yay...fun!!!
I've run from this before now. My self-esteem and self-worth have been way to fragile to risk disappointing someone who loved me already to tell them a truth that could change that view. But when it all comes down I have to follow the wisdom I pass to others on this subject. That if someone stops loving me after hearing the truth, then they never really loved me to begin with, or ther person they loved wasn't the real me, so unless I feel like fronting for the rest of my days that relationship was gonna end anyways, so que lastima, so long, best of lukc and life to you...
I go through fazes of wanting to be one of the cool kids. I see facebook album of old friends all together and smiling and hate that I'm not apart of that sometimes. When did we grow apart? Does it have to be so permenant? If it does then I have to be okay with it, if it doesn't then I have to be ok with doing the work to stay more connected to the lives of people i want in my life.
the Falcons lost...that blows
I know I'm weird and all but sometimes I surprise myself...like is it normal for a dude to sit around thinking of possible names for the kids he'll one day help create??
I'm tired now...
So yeah, I'm deciding to do things differently. No more musing into constant hurt and blah that is my current love life and romantic situation. I'm not looking away from my ish, so fear not. But I'm trying to shift my focus to me and not the movement of others. And let me be clear my emotional state is steady and my heart is weighted by the totality of my life right now but all told I gotta focus on the rest, cause that's all i can handle.
and so... I'm gonna be as vulnerable and truthful with as many people as I can...yay...fun!!!
I've run from this before now. My self-esteem and self-worth have been way to fragile to risk disappointing someone who loved me already to tell them a truth that could change that view. But when it all comes down I have to follow the wisdom I pass to others on this subject. That if someone stops loving me after hearing the truth, then they never really loved me to begin with, or ther person they loved wasn't the real me, so unless I feel like fronting for the rest of my days that relationship was gonna end anyways, so que lastima, so long, best of lukc and life to you...
I go through fazes of wanting to be one of the cool kids. I see facebook album of old friends all together and smiling and hate that I'm not apart of that sometimes. When did we grow apart? Does it have to be so permenant? If it does then I have to be okay with it, if it doesn't then I have to be ok with doing the work to stay more connected to the lives of people i want in my life.
the Falcons lost...that blows
I know I'm weird and all but sometimes I surprise myself...like is it normal for a dude to sit around thinking of possible names for the kids he'll one day help create??
I'm tired now...
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