...that same ole song

so yeah i got dirt
i mean a load of mess that for a while it's seemed impossible to not add to.
see i never pictured myself much to be with, a 6-7 at best. with that misconception i tend to sneak myself into places where folks make me feel like more. folks do what they do and make me feel better about me. maybe i'm a nine, a catch you know? but by underselling myself, i couldnt beliveve i could get the girl till i had got the girl and by that time i'm neck deep into a relationship i didn't want to begin with. not that the sis is a bum or something the sis is bad, and believing that she wants me is a hard pill to swallow. but once i swallow it, it's too late, boom they're in love and i've been doing all i can to make sure that they like me for so long that i've convienced myself i was too, on the flip i see it's bs, but at the time no one couldve told me it wasnt a real true emotion. and why are this feelings for she and she false, cause at the end of the day i'm still in love with the one...yeah the one.

funny thing, i'm deciding to stop looking back, to handle what i can right here and step forward with honesty and clarity as my guide, but it's hard when you look around and lots of folks are still looking back, and i can't be mad cause i'm the reason they're looking back, ya know...that great big pile is following me around and because i shat where i eat my integrity is taking hits...we all do dirt, but i in my infinite stupidity did dirt in the circles i live the rest of my life in...note to all, if you're gonna do dirt, do it far from the rest of your life.

someone told me to write one of these when i'm having a good day... i'm having a good day, but for some rason this still seems sad. but you know what? i'm getting it right and together and cleaning up as much of my mess as i can...whether it follows me or not is up to those i've wronged. i'm unhitching the traylor and leaving it behind. i've said my sorries and now i've gotta walk different.

this love thing is hard work
one minute you're head over hills
the next running to those hills
seems the best route
see shes on my mind like all the time
a silent prison i choose to live in
since i made sure that now for us is
more of a dream than a reality
and since i love so hard
no part of me goes uneffected
i couldnt not show favor
if i tried with all my heart
cause all my heart belongs to you

Must love mondays

they're new beginings and all that right. well i'm looking forward to rest the weekend as we half celebrate turkey day. i just like the holiday because i get to see my family and eat good. and here's where my questions start.

what do i do about the One through here

ok, here are somethings you may not know
1. the one and are are doing GREAT lately, talking and hanging and stuff
2. outside of all the other the one is like one of my best friends
3. the one isn't from here and i dont think sh'es going home

so...do i invite her to alabama to for this years thanksgiving dinner?
i don't want her stuck at home alone and like i said we're good friends, but there's the element of the relationship that can't be right now, ad that to the fact that my folks know that we were dating so are they gonna "assume" that this means we're back together? how do i introduce her to my family?

...this is my friend (leaves space for them to fill in the blank)
...this is like my sister (makes it ultra weird for if and when we do get together)

also no one in my family is a vegetarian so if she comes there may be nothing for her to eat...am i just making excuses? someone help me please!!

I'm the bomb like tic tic..

okie dokie, if you've ever read my blog on my facebook page then you'll understand this tic thing. if not basically i get here when i'm full and need to unload, it doesn't usually all make sense and can be a bit spastic, so please forgive the tagents...

i went to the bathroom knowing i had much to write
knowing i wouldn't want to break until it all had hit the page so i took a piss
and returned to the question...

the one (yeah i know):..is it making you uncomfortable

ls: that's one word for it...lol

the one: lol what word would u describe?

ls: blah...but that won't make since to you just yet

the one: ok

so blah, that state i exist in between epiphanies, that uncomfortable but necessary space that that feels the viod between joy and pain. it really is undescribable. it's like i'm numb but anxious.

my cousin tia passed on last tuesday, her funeral was on this tuesday, im sensitive to spirit so we've been talking, at the funeral i could hear here sing and that numbness went away, i cried tears for her and much more.

soon there after my shit met me and the blah returned, tried to stamp it out with hennesy, it failed. and so i floated, got my things together, got home, took a breath and began to write, and the blah went away.

it's back!!!

i got a new phone in Dayton and needed past numbers...
#1 doesn't feel comfortable giving me her's cause of her relationship status
...i'm not trying to holler at you, not even trying to talk to you, i said i'd try to be your friend, i guess you've given up on that, que lastima...

so i wrote this poem for the one about how i still move in reaction to her
i never gave it to her
she'll read this and know i'm talking about her
she might choose not to believe it
who can blame her

clarity is nice to have but it doesnt always taste like
honey
or mac and cheese
you know mac and cheese
i used to watch my mom create it from scratch
she'd cut me some of the cheese to eat while it simmered
i loved that
know i make mac and cheese
from scratch
just like mom
except
it doesn't taste as good
and i don't give myself a piece of cheese to eat while it simmers

the thought of someone touching she like i touched her shakes me
even though i've touched others
it's different some how, i know it's all in my head though, so i decline

did i mention that before we began i told that one that we'd have to be the realtionship cause i wouldnt want to jepordize our current relationship for anything but a wife...or something like that
who can remember the exact words they say to someone anways.

i'm still full...bare with me

my friend gave me the link to sasha fierce...i think it's corny

i have a sidekick now
traded in my blackberry
and got another blackberry
hated it and took it back for a sidekick
i like it
she used to have a sidekick
i used to say my blackberry was way better
i wanted an iphone
now i have a sidekick
and she has a sidekick and an iphone

ain't life grand
a room filled with smiles
that aint personal
means less than
one indifferent face
at least you're sure they care
if i said i've cared for everyone for
where i was
would that make my faults somehow ok?

i will not spell check and i don't think i'm done, but i think i'm off topic. if you've read this far you deserve a smile, so here you go :-D

ehsaywhuman???

life is easy?
it is simply a series of serious choices as a modern poet so eliquently put it.
but making choices is the hard part, or atleast we make it dificult enough.
i get stuck like between a rock and a soft place, let's call it comfort
in comfort i do what i want when i want but dont grow a lick, and with the rock
there is grind but no release, not time to step back and take a breath.

so you decided to write in all lowercase too huh? on some reading my mind shit huh?
you know we used to do that, she and i damn near best friends. roommate, i remember when she couldnt stand my guts, and now...where the heck are we. i think i'm fighting for both the so on point friendship and the omg love of my life. where is there a seperation, is there one, is that a bad thing that i can't draw the line.

i have a lot of life left living and i have a lot of things that must be done. with it all i gotta hold on too my plan of growing up and having kids and a house and all that, but there's no need to rush...right?

okay then there's her and her and her, but i'm okay with not acting on every attraction i have, that would be opening up ten piles of shit i'm sure and like i'm saying...or maybe i havent said, but i'm not suppossed to be involved with anyone right now anyways, add to that that i'm pretty sure of who i'll want to be with when it all comes down and i can let a lot of this ish go, right?

you, our profile pics are even similar, my rose is just a little icey...fitting i guess

astapasta

A great big Pile-o-shit

Okay, I know what you're thinking, whats with the colors and pin name. well here it is. i've got a great big pile of shit where my romantic relationships should be. but clearly i've screwed up a lot of that.

so from the top you say, here it is.

i love this sister, i mean like i'm in love with her. i have been for a couple years now, but for the last say year or so i've been saying quite the opposite. cause after halfway dating then not dating for a while and then walking hard in a relationship we came to a breaking point and I decided to break. my ego bruised a ran like a dog with his tail between his legs after a hard defeat.

so from there to here i've piled up a whole lot of broken relationships and broken promises. and now that i realize that i still love she i gotta clean up this shit so that any hope of we can have a chance of blossoming.

so first there was #1. trying to maintain everyones secrecy. but um #1 was like cool, she was and still is cool as shit. as i do in these type deals we got close quick, too close too quick. and i lost in emotions i refused to admitt made plans for a future we that anyone could see would never happen. i mean at the core, really, it came like 7 weeks after a...let's say to year stint with the one so to convience my self that #1 was anything more than a rebound is a place were i'm still lying to myself. i mean rebound sounds so hurtful...but i guess it is. all in all like i was saying we got serious and with that had to take a break cause we were moving mad fast in that that break i got wind of some of those emotions i had bottled up for the one, and with them emotions for #1 faded into the back, leaving nothing but a steaming pile of poo where a broken heart still lies.

ok so before i got to cleaning any of that up or opening that bottle all the way came my first attempt a wilding out like all young mean are supposed to do, right? right? anyways nothing really came of that #2 was cool, but not here so the sex was just sex, nothing more, nothing less, so no real poo there past me being irresponsible...BAD Love Stuck!!!

from there we get to #3 and try nomero dos at wilding out, this time with someone who's here who i dug and all. little oral was all that amounted to, then my relationship swagger made her head for the hills. we chat every now and again, but all in all thats it. once again no shit left behind but irresponsible step #2 fa sho.

which brings us to #4...damn its already 6, i'll have to get back to this tomorrow...brb, well not really, but kind of...it'll all be one post so you'll never know...except for the fact that I just told ya...

Okay so #4 well this one came out of the blue, I mean I had met she's aquaintance a while back but judged she too hot and me a 6 at best I let thoughts of more exit stage left. Till she entered stage right and surprising to me was digging me. Now keep in mind through here I got a dog to try to fix my lonliness, sorry about the abeni, and subsequently gave her away to someone better equiped to handle the resposibility. A week later 4 come back around and I am smitten. Still judging my self not worthy I flirt with no eye of it working and to my surprise it does and she's digging me too. As things go we move to fast and I find myself somewhere im saying im not ready to be and begin my dance of bagging out of ambiguous places leaving pounds of poo in my wake. See although it was only a month at most #4 had begun to reconstruct her future on the premise of their being a we...saddly there will be now we and apparently in my expersion of this I broke her heart.

So now out of all that enough to see straight I open that jar of unsaid, unrealized emotions and what do I see but that im still in love with the one and for large part these other forrays into the hearts of 1 2 3 and 4 were all just in reaction to that. Funny how the heart and mind work against each other sometime, right?

At any rate im left with a pile of shit and now im passing shovels out to my friends so that I can tidy up and fix some things before the next which im hoping is that same she that began this emotional roller coaster...one can dream can't he?

At any rate time to bounce, till next time...much peace, much joy, much love