nervous new years day to you

hey folks, happy new years. don't know what you did with urs, hopefully it was safe and fun and filled with nothing you'll regret for the forseeable future. my new years was cool, did church, then a party, then an after party where I fell asleep on the couch watching the Mack at like 5 am...

so what's nervous? well simply im finding myself freaking out a bit. you see none of my new years plans included and appearance by the One, in actuallity its been a minute since we spoke. no bad blood or nothing, at least on my end I can claim that for sure, we just haven't communicated...but that's not why im nervous.

im nervous because for the last few days I've been in my head about what the One and I are suppossed to look like right now. add to that that I still have questions on how a person can be completly healed from a hurt that presisted over an entire summer in a few conversations. she says she's past it, but im still not sure how that can be when we're only a short while removed from my insane moments. it kind of feels like when I convinced myself I was over us in a fraction of the time we had been building for the future in my head. it sounds great for getting what you think you want right now, but is it real?

now, let me be clear that I am still very much in love with the One and am all but 100% sure she's the person im going to marry, id be overjoyed with living the rest of my life with she, no questions asked. but as for right now, while id love for her truth about being over her hurt to be 100%, im not sure how it can be.

she'll read this and we'll have a great clarity convo for sure, ill prolly call her after I get another nap in as im working on 3 and a half good hours of sleep at the most right now...

the other side of my nervousness is these questions that sprang up for me here of late. should we be together now? am I ready to settle down? am I validating all of my emotions in a way where I really deal with them?

for the first question I did something the One has been pressing me to do for a while, I hollered at the creator about it. then my ori directed me to cast obi with Oshun to get an answer. after asking serveral question about the future of we and getting favorable answers, I asked strait up "should she and I be in a relationship and together right now?"...OKANRAN, folks that's a no...crushed? no not really, kind of saw it coming, it def goes with my answer to the next question...im not ready to settle down just yet, there's NO ONE else I want to date or anything to that end at all, but I want to live the single life for a little while longer.

as for the last question, im doing well with my emotions right now, even writing this blog is helping. I must warn that this is a working truth and is subject to change at any moment, but as I am currently freaking out this truth, however shaky helps to calm my nerves a bit.

now, we try to sleep, im pretty sure its a no go, but it never hurts to try.